Female Top Earners Cite Increased Strain, Marital Troubles

It’s what women have strived for since that sweltering July day in 1848, when Elizabeth Cady Stanton and four of her girlfriends gathered over tea to plan the first Women’s Rights Convention, held just one week later. And it’s what women had in mind when they started burning their bras and stopped shaving their armpits in the 1960s.

We’re talking about the title of “Primary Breadwinner”. Okay, maybe “equivalent breadwinner” was more the goal, but while much has been reported on the increasing number of women in the breadwinner role, little light has been shed on the accompanying social impact—particularly among women who hold the title and how it’s affected the state of their unions. Until now. A survey conducted last month by BettyConfidential.com revealed that most women in this role are simultaneously proud of themselves and resentful of their husbands.

“Perhaps because of what we’ve witnessed in popular culture—with couples like Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe—I think people suspect that a woman out-earning her husband is a catalyst for tension in the marriage,” says Nicole Christie, editor of BettyConfidential.com. “Our survey reveals that out-earning one’s husband is a blessing—less financial worries, a sense of pride—but also a curse, creating a greater pull of work versus family and a gap between husband and wife that’s difficult to bridge.”

As of 2005 (when data was last compiled), the Bureau of Labor Statistics reports that roughly one-third of women have out-earned their husbands. This figure is up 28.2 percent from a decade earlier—and has even resulted in a growing trend of women paying alimony to their ex-husbands (“Men Receiving Alimony Want A Little Respect,” Wall Street Journal, April 1, 2008).

A 43-year-old investment banker sees both sides of the woman-as-breadwinner coin in her marriage. “I have financial independence that my mother never had,” she says. “But I do resent my husband because there are so many household chores, community events, and school events that the ‘woman of the house’ is expected to do.”

She finds it helpful that her husband works full-time as opposed to staying home, yet says workmen at the house won’t discuss repairs with her and that financial consultants defer to her husband, assuming he is the breadwinner and household decision-maker.

The survey also found that marriages sometimes can’t withstand the pressure of a woman in the top earner spot. A 40-year-old marketing strategist from Monterey, Calif. says her marriage crumbled as a result of her breadwinner status—not for monetary reasons, but because of the discrepancy in life approaches. While her ex-husband is an Ivy League-educated Wall Street attorney, she found him lacking as a partner in their marriage.

“He came from a very well-off family who put him through college and law school, while my parents forced me to pay my way,” she explains. “I think this is what allowed me to achieve great success and become the primary breadwinner. But while my ex-husband is intelligent and talented, he lacks ambition and always looks for the easiest route—opting for the shallows while I conquer Level IV rapids. He’s also surprisingly bad with money and didn’t support me logistically or financially through my pregnancies, when I was exhausted from running several businesses. Ultimately, our differences just couldn’t co-exist under one roof.”

At the same time that a woman’s primary breadwinner role tugs at the seams of her marriage, her ability to care for herself and her family, it affords a freedom not known by previous generations. “You have total independence and can want to be in a relationship rather than need to be,” says Maria Ricca, a 53-year-old program manager.

“I think all women need to at least prepare to be the primary breadwinner. The unhappiest women I know are those who rely on their husbands to completely supply and manage their financial lives. Why chance it?” the Monterey marketing strategist adds.